The Chronicle Sessions - The Unfinished Creation of a Changing Soul
I stood in the trees, looking up to the clear blue sky; the sun setting against the cold, crisp air, warming my face with it’s rays. I close my eyes and breathe, taking in the quietness around me; stillness overcomes me.
I close my eyes and just like before, I feel a readiness for change. I am ready for what is next, whatever that may mean. With my hands gently resting on the sturdy trees surrounding me, feeling the beat of my own heart through its bark and branches, I begin to listen. I listen for the answers to the questions I have been asking for days (for months); and as the breeze makes its way through the trees, the images in front of me become transparent. And I breathe. The water droplets from my breath turn into a fog, reminding me I am alive. Then I did something I’ve never had enough courage to do before…and I ran forward, into the sun and became something new…
“In The Clouds”
I found her in the clouds.
Through the thickness,
With no visibility.
Swirling around the brightness.
A divine dance it has become.
But this dance…
This dance is only meant for one.
And at the end of the day,
One is all you need to never feel outdone.
So the colours begin to change,
While clarity comes and goes.
Sunrise to sunset,
The pattern is continuous and always knows.
To hold on.
The connection is starting to come through.
I am all that I believe to be true.
And the farther away I go,
The more it is I come to know.
Who I am,
And where I’ve been.
The signs are clear,
That change is near.
Where the blackbirds fly overhead,
As I lay to rest in my bed.
Soon they whisper messages in my ear,
That take away my fear.
And the dreams they then form,
More real than this internal storm.
Bringing light into the cracks of my soul,
Overpowering the shadows of reality’s control.
Poem written by Kirsten Toth
Photograph by Kirsten Toth
A year has passed since this whole project began and nothing has turned out how I thought it would. But I’m here now and it’s strange to feel and know that I am exactly where I need to be. I could feel this process slowly coming to an end; 365 days of transformation almost complete, without the realization this process had really even begun a year ago. I mean, the original intention for me to sit down and write about something every month was to teach myself how to be accountable to myself. To commit to doing SOMETHING consistently, every month and actually follow through with that commitment. That was the intent, and I’m proud to say that this is the final month of the year I chose to write and once the last word for the piece is written, I’ll have completed that promise to myself. As great as this accomplishment will be, it has somehow become so much more than that. The month of December was filled with reflection, but also naturally held its own challenges and lessons as well.
So I’m going to try and connect the dots backwards and see how this all came to be, I did after all, apparently write it, well for…me.
What in the fuck was that? You were a mean, mean bitch, December. Why the hell did that all have to hurt the way it did? Was that all necessary?
Well…yes. Of course, it was. Dammit, not again. I mean, I know I like to repeat mistakes and learn my lessons three times over, but wow, were you ever an eye-opening month. You have led and guided me to learn how to trust my intuition and believe in myself, despite any judgement or criticism from anyone else. You taught me to love and be passionate in the pursuit of my dreams, but were always there to remind me of the power of non-attachment. To care, but not attach myself to people, things or even ideas, because nothing in this life is permanent. Letting go of a dream and walking away from the negativity surrounding my life was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was so hell-bent on making a business relationship work with someone because I truly believed in the vision I thought we shared and were committed to working together to achieve. I was too stubborn to actually see how destructive and negative the entire situation had become. What do you do when you don’t even realize you are surrounded by guilt, sadness, lies, manipulation, anxiety and darkness? How did I get to a place in my life where this is what I have chosen to immerse myself in? I haven’t been having fun, or laughed enough lately and I’m finally starting to understand why. I’m proud of myself for recognizing what was no longer serving me and for having the courage to speak my truth, stand up and walk away when the time was right. This person I thought I was is now completely and forever changed.
But let me think back to the start of the month…I just got back from six days in Vancouver. What a great trip that was. Two days of exploring the city, then the following four spent in a classroom with like-minded people learning how to tune into our “inner wisdom”, or intuition and learning how to facilitate this process for others. This was followed by a road trip to Vancouver with one of my dearest friends. Five days of travelling on the road sure gives someone time to reflect and think. The drive home was the most impactful as it restored a lot of my spiritual belief in the divine guidance I hadn’t felt in tune with for a while. “Where has this gone?” I would ask myself because all I had been feeling lately is disconnect. With everything. Especially myself. As each line painted on the highway flew by, with each hour that passed on my way home, the more I started to see and feel connected with everything within and without. Clarity was on the horizon, and the sun was setting in the west. Was it the encounters with three different hawks that helped me remember to keep a higher perspective? Or simply staring up at the dark, starry night sky; filled with constellations and contemplation, showing me how truly insignificant and small I am in this Universe? Maybe it was the album in my stereo, playing on repeat the entire way home that changed my perspective and helped me understand. Lyrics and music are amazing teachers and I am undoubtedly grateful for Emily Haines and the music she creates; “Choir of the Mind” changed everything for me during that drive.
So, what exactly changed? I think it really started when I decided to consciously tap into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and allow myself to know and accept who I am completely. Did I realize this at the time? Fuck to the no. And because I wasn’t aware of this, I reacted to certain people and situations in a very forward, aggressive way. I overcompensated for everything because I was confused; and I was desperate to make that confusion go away. I didn’t care how, I just wanted it to be gone. I sat there and questioned my former business partner on their genuineness and authenticity because I couldn’t see or feel it anymore. Why did I do that? Maybe I just didn’t see those things in myself… It wasn’t meant to hurt or harm. I just wanted to understand why I wasn’t understanding the behaviours and actions of this person. But this has been a consistent theme all year…question something (or someone) better be prepared to deal with the consequences. *Note to self…other people don’t like when you do this, especially when those questions are directed toward them. Myself included. This questioning has since led to conflicts, arguments, hurtfulness, negativity, anger, pain, resentment, stress and sadness. On both ends. What’s the end game here? Power? Control? Well, I don’t want any of it. I want to be at peace. Then I came across a thought today…what if we were meant to cross paths…like two meteorites meeting for a dance in outer space. Colliding brilliantly and as destructively as humanly possible. Using each others force to propel the other in our own separate and divine directions. Maybe it was supposed to end this way to teach us what we both needed to learn. Maybe…But I’ve been holding too much anger in my heart lately. I don’t want anger to rest in my heart. I’m letting go of the anger in my heart. Please anger, leave me so I can feel at peace and move forward…it’s time to move forward…
Last month was spent reflecting on the idea of resistance and how it was presenting itself in my life. Since I’ve decided to essentially reflect on every month’s reflections to finish off the year, let’s dive a little deeper into what was actually going on in my life in November…
Contemplation, confusion and an endless search for clarity ruled the airwaves. I really set out to understand and accept the darkest parts of myself. I wanted to meet face to face with my “shadow self”, even though I had no idea what this actually looked like. This was probably the problem. How could I know who I am if I haven’t even seen, or accepted ALL parts of the idea we call the “self”? Have I been pretending to know myself? Or am I just tired of playing this character? At this point I’m figuring it was a bit of both. I spent a lot of time resisting. Trying to push away a lot of the truth of my situation. To be honest, I just didn’t want to actually look myself in the mirror and accept my failures and shortcomings. I have come to realize that I have spent the last three years of my life pretending to “own a business”, simply going through the motions without actually putting in the required work to make it even close to a success. I carried this mentality over into a newer business pursuit in the most recent months and honestly thought this venture would be my opportunity to prove to myself that I could own something. I teamed up with someone who shared the same ultimate vision of bettering the lifestyles of people in an industry I have a massive passion for. This was the first time I really felt like I wanted to put my whole heart into something and I was finally ready to put in the work. But that goddamn resistance kept coming to the surface. The more I think about it, the more I’ve come to see that a lot of the things that I thought were holding me back were based out of a fear of not only failing, but also succeeding. I was paralyzed in fear, unable to move in any direction. I felt vulnerable and unsure of myself and allowed the judgements and opinions of another person fill my head and my heart with doubts and I started to believe that I was incapable of making business decisions partly because of this influence. I mean, he was right in a lot of ways; I hadn’t put in nearly enough effort, but I was trying and working on it. Why did I think I could accomplish all of my goals without doing the groundwork first? Why did I let someone negatively influence how I viewed myself? Why do any of us choose to hurt each other the way we do? I’m still not sure if I have the answers to these questions but all I know is that I have to accept it all for what it is to have the ability to change any of it and move forward. I don’t want to be a passive bystander to my life anymore. The resistance was merely an illusion of the parts of myself I was unwilling to accept. I am accepting it all as it is, the good and the bad of all my experiences and of myself and I am choosing to move forward with belief and trust in myself to do anything I set out to do in this life.
Ok, two months back we go. Why does it seem like that was so long ago? A lot can happen in a handful of days and the changes kept coming, without warning. Not even given a chance to steady my feet before the next wave took me away. Out of control. Why did I want to have control again? I seem to have forgotten why I spent so much time and energy on trying to force things into my life. Man, I was not in a great place back in October after reading that post back to myself. I’ve never considered myself to suffer from any sort of mental illnesses in the past and it’s never crossed my mind to think I might have been dealing with it without realizing it. Any anxiety I felt growing up I thought was relatively normal on varying levels, but the feeling was always the same. I think maybe because the outcome was always similar. I knew the end game to it. And then the last two years happened and the anxiety and unknowing depressive states I was experiencing were definitely not something I had experienced before. I’m not sure exactly when it started, but it came about subtle and slow. Just thinking back to this whole past year I’m starting to put the pieces together of when it formed, but it still isn’t making a lot of sense to me. I’ve had two panic attacks this year, I remember now because the most recent one was in October. My initial thought reading October Sessions was something along the lines of “wow, I really wasn’t in a good place two months ago”. I’m trying to think back to what I was actually doing every day to figure out why. Think. The picture of my answer is there, I can see an outlined shadow taking shape, but where have my glasses gone? It’s too far away still to make out clearly. October was a month where I added a lot of extra things into my schedule…but I have to ask myself if they were really necessary? At the time, sure. But not anymore because neither of the things I chose to start back then are not in my life now. That’s where all my time and energy went into to get to this particular moment. How ironic! I guess it was all necessary to get me here. Addition and subtraction occur on the regular in life, clearly. And I don’t always have control over when and why it happens. It just does. There’s a lot of what I wrote back in October that I agree with, but there’s also a lot I don’t agree with anymore after reflecting on my pessimistic and irrational thoughts that were taking over the airwaves in my brain. I do not want to view my life in a way where I am discouraged because of the way I am choosing to think. I must remind myself that I am not my thoughts and they do not control me. Just like every person I meet, I am the author of myself and the experience I create. We are what we choose to create.
Why was I in such a rush to figure things out back in September? Was it out of excitement? Or a sense of desperation. What was I desperate for? Validation? I think I was really looking to prove to everyone, including myself, that the most recent failures in my life weren’t affecting me the way they really were. I was trying to cover up a part of myself because I believed that failure was going to define who I was. I was running scared, fearing judgement from others, when really, I was only judging myself at the end of the day.
I find it funny reading this post back to myself today because I’ve been struggling this last week to have the same perspective I had when I wrote it. Patience. I need to practice my patience. I have a dream…and I know I can make it a reality; I have no doubts in my mind about that. What I’m having a disconnect with is the how. I thought was I was doing to get to where I wanted to go was the right path to take and I am left standing here corrected yet again (but it’s okay). I literally just repeated the same situation and the emotions associated with that experience are feeling too familiar from September to now. But just because it’s not the right path to continue down, doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right path to take for that time in my life. It was all necessary for me to learn and make my way to this new crossroads where I am able to choose the next direction, until the next road splits…and the next and the next…IT NEVER ENDS!
I’ve spent the last week or so trying to find my footing and take the next step into everything I don’t know…and there’s a lot I don’t fucking know. I’ve had a million great ideas swirling around my head recently and I think I’ve overwhelmed myself in a lot of ways because I don’t actually know how to manifest these ideas into my reality right now. Patience. How can I expect myself to jump from point A to point Z without doing anything in between? Have a taken the time to set a foundation for anything that I want to achieve? No, actually I don’t believe I have. And that’s the answer I needed to find for myself. I now know where I stand to be able to move forward to achieve those goals and dreams. If I don’t know where you stand, how can I ever know where my feet are placed to take a step in any direction? The truth is that I can’t. I have to accept where I am and recognize what needs improvement with myself in order to take the necessary steps to get better at those things. How the hell have I not realized this until now? I’ve been playing a game of entitlement with myself and it’s about time I put my cards down. Go fish.
What was I afraid of? If I’m being really honest with myself I think the thing I’ve been fearing most is my own ego. I’ve been struggling to fully express myself because I am afraid I might come across as something I don’t want to be. The more I think about it, the more I’ve realized that the only reason this fear even exists is because I haven’t chosen to accept this side of myself. I’ve read a lot of books that talk about how to “beat your ego”, make the ego go away, transcend it…or something of the like. What I think I’ve failed to see is that the ego is not something to defeat, it is something to accept. The ego exists as a part of the life experience. It is part of what makes us human. To not accept the ego is to not accept oneself. The more I resisted my ego, the more I was resisting myself and preventing myself from truly expressing what I want to. It’s like I was going half in, committing only part way because I didn’t want the other half to be shown. I didn’t want the half that was negative and dark and dull and made up of all the things that are my weaknesses to be shown to anyone. I did this to make myself appear “better” and in doing so, created the complete opposite effect. I’ve been taking myself WAY too seriously because I’ve been taking my ego too seriously. I keep picturing that scene in Harry Potter of the shape-shifting creature waiting to transform into a person’s worst fears. Each face to face with the darkness they want to run away from. These fears encountered are very real and elicit an honest emotional response; so how to counter them? If we lived in the fantasy world of Harry Potter, a simple Riddikulus spell would do the trick, but I’ve seemed to have misplaced my wand (well, at least my owl came to visit this month). But maybe this fantasy world isn’t too far away from our own. We can turn ourselves around, look at our fears in the face and have the capability to make them seem less intimidating, just like a magic spell. And then we can all have a good laugh at how silly we were to take it so seriously in the first place. The magic of it all lies in the ability to see our fears (like the ego) and look at it from a new perspective. For me, this means acknowledging the existence of my ego, accepting it and become friends with the darkness within myself because it’s here to stay. Come on in, let’s have a cup of tea.
Ah, the intuition. I forgot about you these last few months. I have to apologize for not listening to you. I wrote a line back in July that reads “We can’t be too hard on ourselves though; it’s very easy to get distracted and side-tracked away from our real purpose in life and ultimately from the most authentic version of ourselves”. I’m sitting here recognizing that I have allowed myself to be side-tracked away from a focus I had for myself over the last few months and am now feeling awful about it and being hard on myself. Why don’t I listen to my own advice? There’s an immense amount of what I’ve re-read so far that has made me realize how much all of what I write has been a message to myself; and I’ve chosen to not take the time to really listen or pay attention to what I am trying to tell myself up until now.
I got in my own damn way again. I lost my connection with the spirit realm the more I immersed myself in other focus’s away from myself. I spent weeks looking for those same guiding signs that have helped guide me along my journey in the past and was left empty-handed. I began distrusting everything I thought I knew about my life and who I am; I was out of tune. I was staring at my life and my goals so closely that the images were beginning to blur and I couldn’t see clearly anymore. I was…lost. Taking a step back and away from everything “important” I was consuming myself with opened up a new space for me to connect again. I felt like a kid again as the signs began to reappear and an excitement bubbled to the surface once again. I could feel it rise and get stronger like an electrical storm in my core, giving me a burst of energy and inspiration. Fuck, I haven’t felt this inspired in weeks…but why? I was working on a project that I was passionate about and excited to pursue, so what was missing? Something was off about what I was doing and who I was working with and I knew it, but chose to ignore what my gut was trying to tell me. I kept plugging away at something that I didn’t realize was now a toxic, negative situation with someone who was not treating me with respect anymore and only aided in my self-doubt. The farther away I went away from this situation and this person, the more I felt connected and in tune with my intuition and the clearer the picture became. I sit here today with all the clarity I need to know that listening to my instincts and trusting my judgments is undoubtedly THE most important quality I could ever take with me through the rest of my time in this life. This is my strength. This is my power.
What do you do when it doesn’t work out the way you thought, hoped or expected it would? Do you get angry? Upset? Depressed? Confused? Disappointed? Well, I’ve been all of these things and more from my experiences and I can tell you first hand that feeling all of those things is really awful. But it’s all part of the life process, isn’t it? Light cannot exist without dark just as much as happiness cannot exist without suffering. The counterpart must be present for the other to even be defined. Without one, the other doesn’t exist…so it’s ALL necessary in the end, isn’t it? There were a lot of things this past year that didn’t work out the way I wanted them to and I spent a lot of time victimizing myself because I didn’t get what I thought I wanted. When I was let go mid-season from a job working with a lacrosse team that I viewed as a second family, I was heartbroken and angry. Really angry. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why this had happened to me. I felt as though I didn’t do anything wrong, so why did it feel like I was being punished? What do I do now? This was such a massive part of my life and what I dedicated my energy and time towards and now it’s just…gone. I drove away that day feeling hurt and confused and searching for solace; so instead of going to practice like I did every Tuesday, I walked into Café Koi to see my dear friend, Linda for some guidance. All I can remember from that night back in June is sitting at one of the tables letting the words and tears escape me without a care who might be witnessing my pain. I didn’t realize it at the time, but walking through those doors that night opened up a completely new world of friends, expression, vulnerability and love that I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere else. I began going to their singer/songwriter open mic every Tuesday for the entire summer after that night, made new connections every week and really dove in to expression through writing and spoken word poetry. That alone has been a transformational process of stepping into my fears of speaking in public and sharing my thoughts and emotions with other people; an opportunity I would never have had if I was still working with the lacrosse team. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it? How could I ever hold anger in my heart from a situation like that not working out, when letting that very thing go opened up a whole new space for love to come in? I can’t. And I’m choosing not to allow that to happen ever again when I am faced with rejection of any kind. All I want is to have love in my heart; I want to let go of anger and exude love in all things that I do. To receive love, I must be love. I must go with the flow and trust the process because life IS the process. I might as well go enjoy it!
Tuning in to myself was my main focus back in May. I started learning more about energy work this past year and have since gone on to complete two levels of Reiki training. One of the pre-requisites for taking the second level was to complete a 21-consecutive day practice of self-work; meaning I had to practice the skills I learned in level one on myself for three weeks straight. Easy, right? Not so much. From what I can remember I’m pretty sure I started and re-started this process about three times. It wasn’t the practice itself I was struggling with, it was doing it every day. I would be diligent with it for a few days, then get distracted or “forget” to do it, having to stop and start every single time. Why couldn’t I commit to just doing this one simple thing every day? I decided for my next attempt that I would write down each day’s experience and maybe that would help me follow through and complete the 21 days; so I did. Reading back to those three weeks was a bit profound. It’s interesting how even making the smallest changes can have the greatest effects; and I definitely didn’t understand how much I was actually changing in those three weeks until the process was complete. No wonder my life and the people in it shifted so abruptly only days after I was finished this process. It was all started to make sense (at least a little bit). I committed to something and I followed through to it’s completion; in doing so I also created a massive wave of change for myself in who I am and how I view myself. It was ironic that the moments I felt proud of what I accomplished, the things I had learned and the person I had become were the very same moments that altered what was actually supposed to be present in my life. Out with the old and in with the new…a new version of myself would naturally lead to a new version of my environment. It took a little while to gain the perspective that my attachment to certain things and people were not serving me anymore and that I had to move on. Letting all of this go was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be because I loved who I was becoming. And that is something I will NEVER apologize for to make someone else more comfortable. I must practice self-love to be capable of loving those around me.
I people watch. A lot. I gain a lot of information from observing the actions and behaviours of others on a regular basis and it ultimately helps me to gain new perspectives. The more I listen and watch, the more I learn. I mean, I love to share my thoughts and opinions just the same, but I will always learn more about life when I close my mouth and open my ears and eyes instead. Back in April I was looking to take a step back from my life for a minute and really reflect on the bigger concept of my life and it’s meaning. In a way I wanted to disassociate myself from my environment and really see the full picture. I asked some questions in April’s post and I want to take a minute now to answer them for myself:
Who am I?
Apart from being a million tiny atoms of stardust compiled tightly into a physical form of energy, I am ultimately who ever I create myself to be.
What do I love?
I could list a bunch of things that I love here, but it would be a really long list. I love and appreciate everything and everyone in my life up until this point because it has all brought me to this moment right now. Even though it may have been uncomfortable and hard at times, how could I not love it all when this is the end result so far? Oh, and music. I really love music.
What do I not love?
Hate, disrespect, entitlement, lying, deceit, manipulation, lack of understanding and empathy, lack of self-awareness…I could go on, but I think you get the point.
Am I happy?
I am happy if I choose to be.
Who are my people?
I will meet people throughout my entire life and will connect with those who share similar perspective and mindsets and that point in time. This will always change throughout the course of my time here. My people are the ones who I attract into my life based on who I am at that particular moment in time. Everyone I meet has something to teach me and I have all the love and gratitude for each and every one of them.
The truth always has a way of revealing itself when it’s time. I have to trust in this, my intuition and know that I will be able to perceive when someone is not being authentic. I will forever be a truth seeker in this life.
Do I love myself?
I’m working to be more patient and understanding with myself and to become more and more aware of where I am at so I can take the necessary steps to improve myself. Self-love is a daily practice that is never the same.
Why I am I not where I thought I would be?
Because I am exactly where I need to be.
Should I quit and give up?
Fuck no! You never know what amazing thing is around the corner for you.
What are the lessons in every experience I’ve had?
That’s a loaded question…reading this post is a good start to answering it.
Did every moment exist for a purpose and a meaning to be where we are now?
I’m choosing to believe so.
Are those the reasons why we do what we do?
Does it matter?
The idea of change seems to have been a pretty consistent them in of itself this entire year. It may be cliché to say, but A LOT can change in just a year. The more I read back through these posts, the more I realize this year was all about change and being able to accept it no matter if it seems good or bad at the time. Change is what it is and is an inevitable part of life. This project for myself allowed a lot of my perspectives, ideas and beliefs about myself and about life to change and in the process, I have come to own my ability to create that change for myself as well. Three specific moments this past year stand out to me where I was conscious and aware that I was ready for a change, for whatever was next in my life. I was purposeful and clear with my intent and I remember stating out loud to the universe that I was ready. Soon enough the shift came and I found myself on another path and another adventure. My perspective of change has really changed this year, funny enough. Change is inevitable whether you like it or not and you can’t always plan for when it’s going to happen. Courage to take action and having the acceptance of all the change that occurs in my life are what will bring me peace of mind.
Invert. A counter-clockwise rotation of myself. Let’s look at all of this from a different angle; a new perspective. Has it even changed at all? Perhaps in some ways, yes, but in others, no. Each experience I went through this year has helped me gain the knowledge and skills necessary to process my emotions that resulted from those situations. Each has given me the ability to shift my perspective and look at things in a new light, especially in circumstances that were not on the favorable end. I dealt with a shit ton disappointment, sadness, confusion, anger and loneliness this year. When did it all start to go so wrong? Or has it always been right? I’m placing my bets on the latter, even though it may not have always felt that way. I could sit here and stay upset about the things and people who hurt me, betrayed me and blatantly decided to walk away from me and out of my life without any explanation, but what good does that do me? It does absolutely nothing (except cause me stress and anxiety). I think to myself instead…would I still be the same person today with the perspective I have if those experiences didn’t happen and everything went the way I wanted them to? Definitely not. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, questionable decisions and excuses for myself this past year and I’ve spent way too much energy judging myself and feeling guilty for my actions. I am done. So, here’s a list of seemingly shitty things that I created for myself this past year and decided to blame others and circumstances outside of myself instead of taking ownership for all it.
My first taste of real betrayal came from working with one of my sports teams. “It’s not a good fit anymore, it’s best we part ways” …they told me halfway through the season out of nowhere. What. The. Fuck. I did nothing wrong in my eyes, why was this happening? How did this happen? They aren’t letting me do anything about it…why won’t they let me talk to anyone and explain things from my point of view? I’m hurt and confused…and all of this news coming from a friend who blindsided me with a decision they didn’t even have real authority to make. Anger boils to my surface. Let’s point the finger now to make myself feel better. It was their fault after-all for being closed minded. But it was my attachment that made it seem impossible to understand and let go.What did I do instead of let it go? I started to attach myself to a new group of people and the places they took me. Enter the warehouse hangout days. Where music was play, time was lost and fun was had. It became my sanctuary during the summer months; a place I could decide to go to last minute and it seemed like someone was always there. It became my place to connect and it allowed me to feel carefree. Standing on that rooftop looking at the downtown skyline and breathing the cool air of summer nights I felt like I was a part of something again. Week after week I found myself here, losing track of time and losing myself in the midst of it all…I saw the sunrise leaving those doors one too many times and I soon found myself feeling guilty of the choices I repeatedly made. It astounded me how many people I saw come and go, some friends, some complete strangers…then something shifted and this place wasn’t holding it’s shine any longer. Faces of strangers holding emptiness in their eyes and drugs that seemed to suck the soul away from anyone residing in its space filled the room and I started to feel distorted. Those people I connected with in such a fast and intense way were gone in the blink of an eye. Break. I need a change (again).Then I got to thinking…why have I been single for the last 6 years? Don’t get me wrong, I really do love my independence, but I have felt like shit so often, especially in this last year because of this status. It was either a few dates here and there to keep me occupied, or an explosion of intense interactions that faded just as quickly as they came; only ever leaving a stale taste in my mouth out of my shear need for attention. My search for validation spun out of control as my delusions of self-worth were chipped away after every glace, touch and compliment I received. I might as well take what I can get…an idea I created that only led to feelings of being used… for sex, emotional support and filling time. The connections I made with all of these men were real and genuine, but instead of creating opportunities to be loved, I only created opportunities to be a convenience for each of them. And I let it all happen. My search for love became a destructive attachment to the superficial attention I was receiving. I put myself in the same situation over and over again, sleeping with another person, hoping it would lead them to the realization I was good enough to actually be with, because I know I am; so why did my actions speak otherwise? My insecurities led me to make poor decisions, like sleeping with someone who had a girlfriend. Never in my life did I think I would be that person to do something like that. I justified my actions by making excuses and putting blame on him for leading me on, telling me things like if he was single we would be having a different conversation…what the fuck did that even mean? Thanks for giving me what my girlfriend can’t right now? Lucky me… I think it was after the third time he called me at 7am wanting to come over after a night of partying and drugs for whatever he needed that snapped me the fuck out of that toxic situation I had created for myself. I taught him that was all I was worth. This pattern of thinking has repeated itself too often. NO MORE.Repeat point number one a couple more times and the end result has been three completely lost friendships in one year. I avoid conflict like the plague, so why did it feel like it was following me around everywhere I went? Perhaps I was bored and needed some entertainment in my life; keep things interesting, so to speak. My lack of self fulfillment led to my creation of these conflicts… but was that conflict a result of trusting my intuition, standing up for what I believe and speaking my truth? I don’t know if I know the answer, but I’ll pick my truth over inauthentic relationships any day of the week.
After all of these experiences (and more) I’ve come to the conclusion that the perspective I choose to have about myself, other people and situations like these will be the determining factor for how I continue to live my life. I’m choosing to appreciate the negative, learn from my mistakes and focus on the good from now on. And I plan on laughing more. A lot more.
Enjoy the process.
Photograph by Kirsten Toth
Look up, look up, look up. Can’t you see?
The sky is painted with revelry.
The colours swirl and blend, Into shapes and figures, It’s ok love, there’s no more need to defend.
So let it go and be free, And ask yourself,
What do you want to be?
Thank you for your love and support and for taking the time to read my thoughts and expressions of a years worth of experiences. It’s been quite the journey and I am grateful for every minute of it. Thank you , thank you, thank you.
– Kirsten Toth