Campbell River 2017
Photograph by Kirsten Toth
September 2017
This month has felt like a blur of experiences…ones that have melded into a single message to reflect on for myself. I’ve had a seemingly difficult time accepting certain realities that have come about in my career and relationships with other people and I’m sitting here in my apartment alone tonight wondering why. It was only a week ago I came home from a beautiful wedding weekend of love and celebration to find myself coming home from the airport and uncontrollably crying to my mom on the phone about all of the pain and emotions I was holding onto from the last year. Why have I been so upset? My insides have been shaken to the core and I find myself at a crossroads again… and I don’t know which side I want to choose to be on this time. I start to replay everything in my head that happened today while I settle in to my space; a place where I feel like I haven’t been in very often all month long. Parts of my day felt like a dream, while others felt like my normal every day routine. I repeat the concept, but with a different context this time and the story I’ve been writing feels like it’s coming to life with a breath that is lasting long enough that I can finally feel at ease.
Last month I talked about stepping through your fears and the unknown, but what is it we are ultimately trying to achieve by doing this? Put simply I would personally say that we do so to progress to the next level in our lives with what we do and who we are. If we wanted to stay comfortably where we are currently, the need to overcome our fears starts to become obsolete and unnecessary; and our ideas and behaviours thus remain unchanged. It then begs the question of what is truly needed to move forward and break through to the next level of our lives…
“Dissipate”
These light blind, forcing the wrong direction.
Thousands of feet stay rooted, unmoving.
Trying to stay in the moment just one second longer.
Echoes of voices split the air and all I can do is stare.
So many roles we have come her to play,
And each act performs what they need to say.
The edge of the action is where I stand, knowing I might lose myself on the other hand.
This clock ticks away into the day, while the sky melts into night.
Every corner I turn there is something to see.
Don’t you know none of these lessons come for free?
A slow trickle…
Of flowing water moving like molasses.
The space around me begins to empty, expanding in all directions.
And I suddenly have too much air to breathe in.
My gaze shifts back and forth…up and down…
Stop it…these thoughts are making me drown
The only thing I see are overwhelming images all around.
I close my eyes for a moment, but open them only to find the scene hasn’t changed.
My reality becomes slightly deranged.
The lonely chill of the air is the only thing left here to keep me company.
It seems the time has come to be put to the test.
There’s no more time to sit here and rest.
Each experience I go through teaches me something I need to know.
Good or bad, it always keeps me in the flow.
Of life, death and rebirth into the unknown.
Poem by Kirsten Toth
Inhale. Breathe….
One thing at a time…ease up for a second, honey. Why are you in such a rush?
Exhale.
Why do I feel like I have to have everything in my life figured out right now? It’s very easy to get caught up in the idea that I am entitled to automatically have the things I want simply because I’m working hard to achieve them. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Something I have come to learn recently is that everything happens in its right timing. Sometimes you have to go through certain experiences to gain new perspectives before things are able to come into your life. Patience is a key factor when it comes down to understanding this. This life can be absolutely crazy sometimes and we have seemingly become attuned to an instant gratification mindset where everything has to be right NOW. We can forget that everything we want in life doesn’t have to happen all at once and all of these things will appear when we are ready for them. This goes for those instances where the plans you have set for yourself or your life don’t work out the way you intended as well.
Over the last few months I have experienced my fair share of disappointment and heartbreak from things not going how I originally intended them to. Having to let go of certain idea about myself and the direction my life was going was painful and embarrassing on a thousand different levels. I spent a decent amount of time questioning my realities and realized a lot of what I was pursuing in my life and relationships were not what they appeared to be. I got to a point where I would wake up every morning questioning everything I had worked tirelessly for and kept wondering if it was all worth it and if there was any point in continuing forward. I felt lost and confused, not knowing which way I was facing anymore and continually felt like I was stepping in the wrong direction. Life at this point stopped making sense to me and I thought to myself what the point of all this really is.
Uncertainty clouded around me wherever I went, but I continued to push forward and figure it out as I went. I found myself crossing this idea many times over the last few weeks…no real plan set, but continued reminding myself things would work out the way they are supposed to (and they have). I think I’ve held this belief within my heart for so many years; waiting patiently for my work to pay off and results to appear. There have been too many moments where I would think to myself… this is it, this is what I’ve been waiting for…only to end up disappointed when job or potential relationship with someone didn’t work out or fell flat. I can’t count how many times I’ve led myself down a path with the delusion that the things I was pursuing were the right things I needed in my life. Oh, how wrong I’ve been.
As I’m outside sitting on my deck writing this piece on what will probably be one of the last nice days before the chill of winter sets in, I admit I’m feeling exactly the same. But this time it feels oddly different and there’s not an ounce of me that feels I am on the wrong path. It’s taken everything in me to let go and leave the past behind to move forward and break into the life that is truly meant for me. It was until I decided to take action and consciously move beyond the previous ideas I had for my life for things to start magically appearing in my life. I just needed to turn a different corner (a few times) to get here.
No matter what plan you think you have set for yourself, life already has your path set out for you whether you are aware of it or not. Sometimes we just need to get lost, experience things and learn a few lessons along the way to not only become who we truly are, but to shed all of the things that we are not. Everything you have ever wanted and desired waits on the other side of yourself if you choose.
And that can be the breakthrough moment of your life.
Thank you for reading.
– K.