The Chronicle Sessions - Going With The Flow
I begin to wake from this delusionary state.
Not knowing who or where I am.
I barely recognize my hand resting on my face,
And all of my senses suddenly kick in and my heart begins to race.
I linger in the dividing line of my consciousness.
And I begin to like the feeling of not knowing what happens next.
Caught in between both dimensions,
And all I am left feeling is perplexed.
One side pushes while the other pulls,
And I don’t know what side I want to be on.
I can’t bring myself to choose.
Which way do I go? I don’t want to lose…
Why can’t you wake up?
Just wake up.
Just let this idea go and you can be free,
You don’t have to be awake to see.
What you seek is what you find,
I drift slowly back into the darkness of my mind.
Poem by Kirsten Toth
Photograph by Kirsten Toth
Life is strange.
Plain and simple. I mean, how does everything end up the way it does? Good or bad. I can’t even wrap my head around how life can be a chaotic mess and line up in perfect synchronicity at the same time. One minute you feel like your world is falling apart, the next everything is falling into place; exactly how it was always meant to be. I’ve found when I put complete trust in the Universe and truly believe that everything will work out in the end (especially when things aren’t going my way), I start to have more trust in myself to pursue my dreams. Back in March I wrote about embracing change and learning to accept the unknown; it nicely serves as a good prequel to this month’s topic of going with the flow.
Change must occur in order for change to occur. If nothing changes, nothing changes. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes. I think we can all understand this concept in a global sense, especially if we are referring to the things that are occurring outside of ourselves…but what about the inside things that need to change? Whose responsibility is it to make those fine tune adjustments?
I’m definitely the type of person who seems to like repeating the same mistakes over and over in my life just so I can learn the same damn lesson a million times over. I GET IT NOW. Thank you. You think I would learn what I did wrong the first time around. After failing my certification exam to become an Athletic Therapist (more than a couple times), I finally understood I needed to shift my perspective on myself and how I was approaching these types of situations. This used to be something I would hesitate telling other people because I was embarrassed and felt like I would be judged, leaving all of these feelings of not being good enough lingering everywhere around me. I would do this not only in areas of my career , but my relationships as well. I had this knack of always finding something missing, or I was just too stubborn to admit I was terrified of rejection.
STOP IT. YOU’RE DRIVING YOURSELF CRAZY…
At least that’s what I would tell myself every time I realized I had gone through the same lesson in the past. I had to learn to stop blaming everyone and everything around me for my problems and failures. It was all of these things I viewed were the reason why I wasn’t being successful in my life the way I had envisioned. The moment I looked to myself and took ownership of what was happening in my life, everything changed. I stopped feeling the need to prove myself to anyone, because the only opinion about who I am that matters is my own. In a sense I felt like I finally looked in the mirror and saw the perceptions of myself that were completely based in ego and decided to let them go and I began trusting myself even more. It’s funny how things coincidentally started working out and falling into place when I made the conscious decision to change. Being centered in myself allowed me to enter into a state of flow where thinking became quiet and doing just happened. If I continued to let my failures and mistakes define who I am as a person, I would have completely given my power and sense of control away to everything living outside of myself; and that is ultimately all based out of making decisions about how I view myself and what surrounds me. I think sometimes we tend to forget how much power we have with the choices we make on a daily basis. When you make a decision, you are giving energy to that direction and path it creates in front of you and life will always guide you by continually giving you challenges to overcome. This process will ultimately increase your awareness and allow what you need to understand to come into your consciousness.
Taking this concept and putting it into practice in the last couple of months has lead me some pretty amazing experiences and has given me the chance to meet and connect with the people I have. These people have become my guiding light in the direction of my life and have pushed, encouraged, supported and loved me to no ends in such a short amount of time of knowing them. These are the most amazing human beings I ever could have asked to have walk into my life. Watching people lift others up and applause them for their mistakes because at least THEY TRIED and weren’t afraid to fail, consistently inspires me to push myself further and further into who I want to be. In order for me to become that person, however, I found myself having to strip away all of the previous ideas and identities I had created about and for myself. This was by far one of the hardest experiences I ever had to go through in my entire life and all I can remember is feeling completely deflated and lost as a human being. But I kept my mind and heart open, putting my trust in the process of riding the wave of disappointment to lead me the right way. And it has. Not to say that it has always worked that way; I’ve definitely put myself into some questionable positions that I could have avoided if I hadn’t gone with the flow and went about it in a logical way; but that’s no fun…and besides, there’s always two sides to a coin. If I played it safe and didn’t move my feet out of the circle of comfort I wrapped around my body and taken a chance by stepping into the unknown and being vulnerable I wouldn’t be in the place I am now, doing the things and meeting people the way I am. I can tell you I would be in a pretty dark place right now if that was the case.
Pushing past the hurt and disappointment and stepping into the unknown parts of your authentic self will allow you to create infinite possibilities for where life can take you. Keep your heart open, trust the flow and most importantly always TRUST YOURSELF.